Becoming Mum - Blu's Story
Hi, I’m Siobhàn. The woman behind the camera here at Capture the Rainbow Photography. But, before that, I am mum to Harrison, Seb, and Jude. The Trilogy! My 3 amazing sons.
With Mother’s Day coming, I wanted to share some of the stories of your journey to Motherhood as part of a personal project; Becoming Mum.
Here is Blu’s story…
Supposed to do
Hi, I’m Blu. I had an idea in my head of what you are supposed to do with life; get a boyfriend, get married, have kids. I had a time scale of how old I had to be between each of the 4 children I had planned for.
Well, life had a different plan!
I came off birth control, which I’d been on for 6 years. Having a period was uncomfortable and I hated that my body did this, but it was ok because I’d be pregnant soon.
On the second month of trying, I got pregnant with my baby. Perfect, as a summer baby is what I wanted.
I was so happy I was going to be a mammy…then everything started to change.
My body didn't feel right
My body didn’t feel right. I was very lucky not to get morning sickness during my pregnancy, but I had a lot of back pain from a car crash I had when I was 17. I also felt had a lot of conflicting feelings; I was happy to be having a baby, but it didn’t feel right that my body was doing this.
They told me that it was all the hormones, after all, I was already flagged for postnatal depression. So maybe this was supposed to happen.
I tried my best to look forward to my baby arriving.
42 weeks and 6 days later, on the 19th of May, I was waiting to be induced. At 3am I was induced, my waters broke at 5am. My partner and my Mam couldn’t come to help me until I was on the labour ward. There were no beds available. I had to wait. 2 and a half hours of no pain relief felt like forever, but I finally got on the labour ward and had some toast, unaware this would be the last thing I would eat for 35 hours.
Once I had my tens machine, I was able to manage my pain well and, once I reached the height of the tens machine, I asked for diamorphine. As soon as I felt the edge come off, I asked for an epidural as I knew it would take about an hour, and the diamorphine would last that long.
Epidural in, things felt a lot better, but the baby’s heart kept dipping into distress, and a lot of people kept asking me questions. Eventually it came time to push, but he didn’t want to come; he was “sunny side up”. My waters had been broken for over 24 hours so the risk of infection was high, so I had to go to theatre.
I was terrified.
They used the forceps to help get him out, I ended up with a 3rd-degree tear and an infection. They couldn’t find a vein in the back of my hand so I had to have it in my wrist, but at 10:14 my baby was born.
'I don't want him'
I was taken to the recovery room while my partner and the baby went to get a cannula in the baby’s arm. Meanwhile, I’m in the recovery room saying “I don’t want him” to the nurse.
I was having a panic attack. My nurse was also concerned. I was worried that my baby would pull the cannula out of my wrist. The nurse eventually helped me to calm down and bandage my cannula, and I got to see my baby again.
I spent the next 9 days in hospital; getting stitches, antibiotics, learning to breastfeed, and panicking.
On the last day I was in hospital, I was comfortable. I felt like I knew what I was doing, but once I got home a whole new adventure began.
A lot has changed
A lot has happened in the, almost, 3 years since my baby was born. I got postnatal depression, and therapy for it, I got my autism diagnosis, I realized that those feely of weirdness in my pregnancy around my body were not hormones, but body dysmorphia, I came out as non-binary and changed my name.
I love being my baby’s mam, he has completely changed my life, but the process I have made with myself during the time of being a parent has made me a better parent and a more confident happy person, and I am looking forward to what the rest of my life has for us.
What would you tell your past self if you could?
You don’t have to be normal, you just have to be you
If you could go back to 1 moment and relive it, which would you choose?
When my baby first called me Mama, it felt amazing
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, Blu.
Becoming a parent looks so different for us all. Different situations, feelings, routes. Let’s add some voices to all of those stories.
If you’d like to be included in my Becoming Mum feature that I’ll be sharing in the run up to Mother’s Day, please get in touch using the form below.
You can write as much or as little as you’d like. You don’t have to have had a difficult journey. I’d love to celebrate all journeys, the straight forward, the wiggly, the less common. How did you feel when your baby kicked for the first time, when they were placed in your arms. How are you doing right now? Once the new has become older. The long days, but oh so short years. Tell me 🙂
As a thank you, every Mum whose story I feature will receive a £25 voucher to use towards a maternity, newborn, family, or cake smash photoshoot.
Tell me your story...
Hi, I’m Siobhàn. Mum (and mischief manager) to 3 crazy boys; Harrison, Seb, and Jude.
When I’m not being outnumbered by my own brood, I am chief memory catcher of yours.
I am a newborn and family photographer in County Durham, specialising in natural, timeless photography, that captures the beauty and magic of your family.
Do you have a new addition on the way? Find out more about my Newborn Baby Photoshoots here.